What goes around comes around...
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208

I've done some major contemplating today about the current points of stress in my life. My job is actually the least of my worries, after all it does pay the bills.

I have come to understand that I do love being a medical technologist and I love what I do, but that I can't stand my employer and the underhanded way that they treat their employees. I have decided to try to look for another job in another department and ride out the last year of my signing contract with my employer in another department. I will try to network with some of the supervisors that had their eye on me when I was an intern. Some of them showed a lot of interest in me, and were it not for the lack of open positions at the time, they would have considered me for an open position in a heartbeat. If I cannot find another position in another department, I will just stay in the position that I am currently in and, assuming that I feel the same way in a year that I do now, I will leave my employer in one year to work for another organization.

I have learned a lot working in the chemistry and toxicology departments, so much more than before I was hired there. The experience has been priceless and I now have more of an understanding of chemistry and toxicology than I could have ever imagined. But I can only describe working in those departments as "toxic". The egos are as large as buildings, you are stabbed in the back at every turn, your generosity is taken advantage of, and all the while people are rewarded for mediocrity or just doing their jobs and others just get away with murder. Not to mention the equipment that we use is as old if not older than I am, and is breaking down left and right. They are too cheap to buy new analyzers and when they do decide to buy new ones they drag their feet, and when finally purchased they aren't the ones that are really needed or will be utilized by everyone.

Many people who have gotten out have told me to get out too. I ignored these people's negativity and dismissed the people who bitched and moaned to me since my first day about their jobs. My decision was entirely objective, only in hindsight do I really realize that they were right about most things. So trust me, I am not the only person that feels this way. Many others like me are making plans for an exit. The department is always hiring because people are always leaving for one reason or another. I want to get out because I believe that I can do better and find a position that allows me to utilize more of the skills and knowledge that I went to school for five years for. Since everything is so automated, I mostly utilize my knowledge to analyze patient results, for quality control, and technical issues. The analyzers do the most of the testing, very little is hands on. I know that that is the direction the laboratory is heading but I really do not want to lose the bulk of the knowledge that I have worked so hard and so long to achieve because I am not using it.

Going back to school for higher education is also an option, albeit not any time soon. After some consideration I am starting to become interested in becoming a pathologist. I know that that will be a lot more work (and money) but it also doesn't hurt to keep my options open. I'm going to see how things play out though, not only with my job but with Craig's as well. I'm not about to make a huge decision to go back to school and get myself deeper into debt, just to have him lose his job. I need to be ready to assume all of our bills should anything like that happen. God forbid.

This is my conclusion. I'm probably going to refer back to this entry to remind myself of my goals and the reasons behind my decisions.

M-Squared


Yep, still alive.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
Hello all,

Much has happened in my life since I last posted an entry. So here is the quick and dirty synopsis of things that have transpired.

- I graduated from Michigan State in May of 2007 and became in intern at the Detroit Medical Center that August as a medical technologist.
- I graduated from the Detroit Medical Center's medical technology program in June of 2008 and was hired on as a full-time medical technologist in the core chemistry department.
- Buttons passed away on July 7, 2007 from complications from her constant seizures. I was on my way home from Las Vegas at the time where I was the maid of honor for Jesse and Serena's wedding. I still blame myself for her death and nothing anyone can say will change it. I have my reasons. I miss her dearly and have been inconsolable since her death. The only thing that has happened since is that the tears come less and less these days, but the sorrow is still there. There is a part missing from me, a wound if you will, that has yet to heal.
- Unable to live with my mother and her boyfriend Chuck any longer I moved out (before I was really ready to) and moved in with Craig in Eastpointe. That is where I am currently living and we probably plan to live here for a few years to come since he bought his parents' old house.
- Needless to say I am still with Craig (yes, it's been almost seven years that we have been together). I still love him very much. So you're probably thinking about the marriage question, right? So is everyone else, friends, family, and co-workers alike. We've talked about it and Craig and I plan to get married a few years down the road when we are ready financially, emotionall, etc. But we know it will be happening, so it's not a question of if but when. I'm still gonna make him propose though.
- Craig bought me a 2000 turbo-charged black mustang for my graduation from MSU. It appeared in my driveway the day of my party with a big green bow on it. I cried later that night cause I still couldn't believe that he bought me a car, and a fast one at that. I love it.
- My family is almost completely disbanded at this point. My father is in Kalamazoo with his new wife and stepdaughter (who, I might add, I want to kick her ass). He's too busy putting her through college at Western and buying her a car, laptop, etc. to really assist any of the three of us (no so much myself anymore, but my sister and brother) financially when we really need him. My mother is very involved with her boyfriend who happens to still be married. He's a pompous controlling asshole and he's treating her as such. My sister has graduated from Baker to become a heath information technologist (managing medical records I guess). She is still married to Dwayne who, I'll admit, I have been warming up to because he's not such a bad guy when you get to know him. Together they are struggling financially and my sister lives with my mother and Dwayne lives with my father (for employment reasons). My brother can't seem to stay out of jail. He seems to have some issues and they tend to lead him into conflicts with the law. In the end, we (mom, sister, and me) end up bailing him out and trying to keep him on the right track.
- I passed my certificaiton exam for the ASCP in October with much relief. No that doesn't mean I will get paid more by the DMC, it just means I get to keep my job.
- Artemis (our black lab) is doing well. I've warmed up to her greatly over the past year or so. Her love and her presence help me to not feel so alone now that Buttons is gone. Artemis has shaped up to be a pretty great dog though and I feel that the bond between us grows stronger and stronger as time passes.
- Craig is still working for Ford but, like all of the big three workers, he is put on edge by the situation in Congress and in Detroit. He is afraid of losing his job. Right now he has been laid off for the past month (with 96% of his pay) but its driving him crazy. He knows that the treat of losing his job is very real. At least I am no longer an intern making $1.73/hour and can actually help him should anything happen (God forbid).

Well that's about all I've got for now. It felt good to write on LJ and I need to do it routinely again. I've got so much going on in my life right now that I need an outlet, and I need a way to let old friends know that I'm still alive and kickin, and so that I can know that they are still alive and kickin too.

Countdown to graduation...4 days
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208

So this week has been hectic for me...naturally. So many things to do and so little time. But surprisingly I'm not that stressed about stuff yet. Oh I know that it's all going to hit me at some point this week but right now I'm actually keeping my sanity relatively well. 

So one final exam down and two to go. Today I had my war and revolution final and it went pretty well considering the fact that I barely studied 2 hours for it. I've been doing really well in the class this semester though. It's actually very interesting stuff and I'm considering reading some more material on the subject over the summer, and even subscribing to the NY Times (we had to subscribe to it for class). I'm finding that not only do I have an interest in history, but I have an interest in past and current wars and revolutions (and what they actually entail) and national and international news as well. Anyway, I had to go to sleep early last night because it's a sure sign of tiredness when you're studying and can't keep your eyes open even when you're sitting up. I woke up early to try to get some studying in but I guess it's kinda hard to get motivated to study right now for some reason. But don't worry, I've already kick started my studying for wednesday's exam in genetics because there's no winging it in that class. It's at 7:00 am (oh yes, that's AM). It actually starts at 7:45 but the prof is giving us the option of coming in early because the test is going to be long and it's not going to be easy or that straight forward. And it's actual problems where you have to show your work to get full/partial credit. But the prof is cool in that despite all of the complaining and whining the other students are doing about the class, when I met him in his office hours he was awesome and because of my vast improvement from failing his first exam to the progressive jumps I've made since then on the last two tests, he is going to give me a 3.5 no matter what my points add up to in the class because he says I've shown that I am learning and processing the material and applying it to his problems, and I should not be penalized for my rough start like other professors would do. He even said that if I get a 90% or above on the final he'll give me a 4.0. I'm not so sure I'm capable of that high of a grade on the final but I'll give it my best shot and try my hardest, afterall that's all I can do. I have to meet him thursday or friday to review my grade with him. And of course, thursday I have a regular old exam in physiology, which I am retaking from two years ago. I passed it and got credit but I knew I could have done better if I would have applied myself more (and if my sister had not told me about my parents' divorce one week before the final exam). But thankfully I have the same prof and she's really cool. She reminds me of my mom a little bit in that she can be kind of goofy sometimes. But she is really nice and understanding. She gave me a table seat in her exams after I hurt my back so that I wouldn't have to make my classmates trip over my wheeled book bag and so I could get in and out of my seat easier. 

So my dad called me today. He gave me a guilt trip about not going to his Easter/birthday dinner. In all actuality I didn't feel like going. I mean driving to Kalamazoo and back home in Detroit the same day just sucks no matter when you leave. Plus, I did actually have homework to do but he still holds that against me even though I used that as my excuse. Now he's giving me crap about not including him in the planning of my graduation party this Sunday.

To be continued...


Everyone, I'm still alive.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
I know it's been a while since my last post, over a year actually. I know that I need to keep up on my LJ now more than ever since I'm graduating in less than 2 weeks. I need to keep things straight in my life and in my head, and try keep things in perspective. 

Much has happened in the last year for me. I'm one year older, one year wiser, and everything is happening all at once and I'm having trouble coming to grips with certain aspects of my life. 

I am still going to MSU, at least for the next few weeks, and I will be getting my B.S. in Medical Technology. I have been selected for an internship position at the DMC in Detroit. The internship will last one year and it starts this August. Upon completion of the internship program there I will recieve a certificate of completion and be able to get tested by a certifying body, like ASCP or NCA, and be certified to work in a hospital laboratory. Whether I'll stay working in the laboratory after the internship depends a lot on my financial situation, whether I think the laboratory is still right for me, and whether or not I still want to go to graduate school. 

In less than 2 weeks I will be living with Craig. I cannot return home to live with my mother and her boyfriend. I plan to move all of my things out by the end of May and be entirely moved in. I've been living with Craig last summer and on the weekends during the school year but I haven't been able to bring myself to make to take that final step and move all of my possessions in with him. I now feel more ready to live with him and for he and I to start somewhat of a normal life together. Craig and I have grown closer and closer over the past couple of years and I've relied on him and he's relied on me more than we both would like to admit. 

I'm sort of speaking to my father again, at least when feels like calling me or answering/returning my phone calls. I'm not sure what kind of role he wants in my life anymore. I don't trust him because I can't trust him to be someone I can rely on. My mother is the same way. She is not a reliable person in my life. Both of my parents claim one thing, and their actions say a completely different thing. So I've taking a defensive relationship with the both of them. I'm preparing myself to make it on my own without them, so that if they do come around and get their acts together I may be willing to let them back into my life. If they don't get their shit together then I will have but a few people I can rely on in my life for support (and I'm not just talking financial), and my parents won't be one of those people. 

The biggest and most recent change in my life occurred on November 28, 2006. That was a day I wish I could go back and stop myself from injuring myself on the job. I know I've gotten burns at work in the past, and believe me though those burns were painful, they were nothing compared to what I've gone through in the past five months. I strained my back lifting something I shouldn't have and I've been paying for it since then, and I'm not talking financially because workers' comp covers the cost of treatment. I had shed a lot of tears out of pain, depression, and loneliness. I lost weight because of a lack of appetite and a feeling of nausiousness that didn't dissipate for almost a month. I became fearful of using my back for even the littlest of things. 

Thankfully my weight didn't drop to a dangerous level, though it was approaching a point where I did became fearful of becoming a "walking skeleton with skin" as I had put it to people. I checked my BMI and found my weight to still be in a healthy range just at the lower end of the healthy range. I have since then stopped losing weight, I'm not sure if I have gained any of it back but I stopped losing it. My appetite is fine and I'm eating relatively normally. I have gone through three months of physical therapy and numerous doctors visits here on campus. I had an MRI done to check to see if there was anything physically wrong like disc hernia, etc. The MRI came out fine and so now I've been on a road to recovery by strengthening my body to a point where I am stronger than I was before the injury. I am still working on my flexibility though. I wasn't that flexible before I injured myself but I am not yet back to the level of flexibility that I was at before the injury. But I'm on my way to recovery. My recovery is now up to me since my physical therapy has been over for a month.  I'm trying to stay ontop of it but its hard to get myself motivated sometimes. I want to get a gym membership once I move home to maintain my strength and flexibility. I plan to keep in contact with my physical therapist for advice, etc.

Since injuring myself I've been unemployed for this entire semester. My work didn't want me to return until I had no weight restrictions. And thanks to a doctor that decided to wash her hands of me and pass me to an occupational health consultant I finally got the assurance I needed and my restrictions lifted almost a month ago. I decided not to return to work this semester for a few reasons. I wanted to keep focusing on my studies and finish my academic career as an undergrad on a great note despite my injury. I have negative feelings toward my employer and my co-workers for how I have been treated since the injury. I do plan to return to work to collect my belongings and say my goodbyes. 

I plan to write more details about my injury and the consequences of it, but right now I don't have the time. It is a very emotional topic for me and I really need to get some stuff out. But I'm going to go eat and then do homework and stretch before getting a shower. 

To be continued...

M-Squared

Much to discuss and so little time.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
Much has happened since my last entry. I feel the need to write about it. Just can't do it right now. Class is in 40 minutes.

M-Squared

I dread coming home for the holidays...and it all starts next week.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

I am frought with emotions. So much is going on and I have so little time to process it all. I also don't have anyone to speak to about it either. A sort of silent struggle that I just feel like I'm losing. I'm so confused. I got off the phone with Craig a few hours ago. I'm so hurt right now, and the worst part is that we talked about this last week. Our entire conversation was about his car and how excited he was about it and how great it was to drive it for the first time today. Nothing about missing me or even how much he's looking forward to me coming home after almost four weeks of being apart. It was just his car. He seemed so happy to talk about his car with me. You could just hear it in his voice it was nothing but happiness and excitement. Whenever I ask him what he wants to do when I come home he tells me that he doesn't care or that he doesn't know. I ask him if he misses me or loves me and he says that he guesses so. He hurts me so much and yet he has no clue about it.

My heart is breaking. I love him so much, but he hurts me.

I also know that my mom has this new guy in her life. He is one of her co-workers. I used to work with him. He was nice but he's a strange guy, and from what I hear from my sister he's making himself too comfortable at my house. I'm going to have to deal with him when I get home I just know it. And believe this, I won't be taking any of his shit, former co-worker or not.

I have so much to do these days. Finals are coming and that is stress enough. But I have a shit load of stuff due or to do before I leave for home on wednesday for the holiday. I keep telling myself that if I can get through monday's school day intact, I can make it through the rest of the semester. But I know what lies ahead for me in terms of the holidays and the up and coming breaks.

Gotta get back to work now. Updates later...

M-Squared


Grr. Issues not solved yet.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
How bad is it when you are talking to your girlfriend on the phone and say," I wish my car was here". Pretty damn bad.

I finally talked to Craig last night.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
I had to finally do it, even if that meant doing it while he was at work. We talked for a couple of hours about the stuff that's been going on between us. I addressed what has been bothering me the past month or so, and it kind of just went on from there. He addressed some things too and that made me feel good because I know that he was actually taking the topic of our conversation serious and used the opportunity to get some stuff off of his chest too.

I'm not sure that we solved anything, only time will tell. I do know that now that the issues are out in the open it should hopefully be easier to talk about them and other things that seem to bother each of us. I'll just have to wait until I go home and see him if anything's changed with him. I know after talking to him I will be changing a few things about myself, not because he brought it up, but because I have been needing to change these things about me.

Today I'm going to clean my room. I just did it last weekend but my roommate and her stupid boyfriend were messy this week. I mean there are clipped toe nails all over the carpet because she doesn't clip them over a garbage can. It's so gross. So anyway I have a short list of stuff to do.

Today will be a homework day for me. I have to do a bunch of stuff and prepare for my upcoming final exams.

Anyway, updates later...

M-Squared

My heart is breaking. I can feel it.
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
I'm having a tough time with Craig. And it just isn't possible to have a heart-to-heart conversation over the phone (especially while he's at work). I mean what do you say when you ask if someone loves you and their response is I guess. Or when they can go on and on about their car like it is the most important thing in their life and requires the most time/attention from them. They can go on about a car as if it were as important as a person, kind of like they have a relationship with it.

I started crying while talking to Craig a few minutes ago. He didn't know it though, but part of me wanted him to know that I was hurting so bad. I even told him that I've been having a tough time lately and I have a lot of shit on my mind. I asked him if he misses me and he replies that he does sometimes.

What does one do when confronted with such things? I know that we need to talk. And I know that he will not initiate the topic unless he's pissed off about something that I "did". And by then he's so hard-headed that anything I say will not even get through to him.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I can feel us drifting apart. I love him so much, but it seems that I am the only one of the two of us that seems to care to address things.

I love him. I know that I do. But I also know that he's hurting me right now. And, even though he hasn't said it, I'm pretty sure that I'm hurting him too.

We seriously need to talk. This can't be put off much longer.

The rock I have relied on for so long is starting to become brittle and seems like it may shatter to pieces. I just hope I'm not under it when the weight of it comes crashing down.

M-Squared

"Coming outta my cage and I've been doing just fine. Gotta, gotta be down cuz I want it all..."
gothgirl#1
crashnburn0208
Just got off the phone with Craig. He hardly seemed interested in my day or what I had to say. Actually he seemed irritated with the fact that I called him earlier while my rooommate was here and that I sounded pissed off (namely it was because of my roommate and her boyfriend and their kissy kissy shit). So he was watching TV at home and barely paid attention to what I had to say, even asking the same pointless questions over and over again and proving just how inattentive he was. Jesse is over and they're watching Monster Garage. Since when is Monster Garage more important than talking to your girlfriend who you don't see but once every couple of weeks?

I mean WTF is up with this seriously. If I can make time to talk to him in my busy day, so can he dammit. I sacrifice sleep and homework time to talk to him while he's at work bored out of his mind. The least he can do is sacrifice TV time and, oh I dunno...friend time (sometimes) to talk to his girlfriend who is in East Lansing.

When I get home for Christmas Break he and I have a lot of talking to do about lots of shits. I don't even want to open Pandora's Box right now because I can't handle the timing. With papers due, finals coming, and all the other frustrations I have here, I don't need the added weight of trying to get through a serious conversation with him without ripping my hair out in frustration.

I said it before but damn it things these days suck ass.

M-Squared

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